Matthew 6:24

The question to ask myself is " is what I'm devoting my time and resources to something that can in return give me life?"

For me the answer is no. I've spent so much time attempting to set up this false sense of security that everything is ok because we have "fill in the blank" and most of the time I fill the blank with money. Im so obsessed with having a certain amount of money and stuff because in some twisted way I believe that when I reach a certain amount then we're secure from tragedy or disaster. I've grown up not trusting the fact that God would provide for my family because my view of provision was so distorted. I have for so long held the belief that if I had financial hardships then God wasn't providing for me. When if I took a bigger picture look at it, he's been keeping us floating for so long even though I haven't been faithful to him with the things he has entrusted me to be a good steward of. The message I've been getting from God very clearly is humility. I need to be more humble, because there isn't anything that I have, He hasn't given to me above and far beyond what I deserve, because the truth is based on my faithfulness to him, I deserve nothing, and I've been given so much. Sure I've worked hard to accomplish things, but without God I wouldn't have the ability to do any of those things. I have an amazing life, and it's about time I start realizing it and give thanks to the one who has given it to me. With the start of this Dave Ramsey study and Toby's new series 'Gravity' I'm in for a good bit of self examination, WHICH I HATE, because it usually means having to admit that I'm the problem and I can't blame it on anyone else. But, I can't change the past and I can't predict the future, so my goal is to live right now for Him and be obedient to the call He has put on my life. It won't be easy and I'll stumble before I get it right, but at least now I'm out there running towards the goal; literally and figuratively.

It's been a while

So it's been quite some time since I last posted. I know I said I was going to post everyday, but the best laid plans of mice and men... So here goes my first blog in quite a while.

Since we last spoke I completed my first 5k, and have begun training for my next race. The 5k was tough being my first race, it was hotter than expected and I made the rookie mistake of training only on flat terrain and the race course was much hillier than I anticipated. But, all in all it was a great experience; it was a goal I set and accomplished it. I was really surprised at how welcoming the community of racers was to an obvious beginner. Everyone was very encouraging before, during, and after the race. In those moments of the race where I felt like quitting someone would be there to give me a 'hey good job man, keep going!' I really loved the feeling after the race and was able to look back and say 'I did that' and I want to do it again. I took a week off from training; worst thing ever, because that week turned into 2 and getting back to my endurance pre-race is taking me forever. But today I got in a solid two miles that was pretty comfortable. My new goal is to Run the Rock with a marathon team. So if you're interested I've still got 3 spots left on the team. I've found that where I am with my running life I have to have goals in order to stay motivated, so now that is my ultimate motivation. I'm also planning on running at least one 5k in between now and then. So that's where I'm at with my fitness goals. I'm also down a total of 31 pounds since I started so that's pretty exciting and even in those days when I feel like I've failed by eating the wrong thing or skipping a workout I can know I'm still traveling down the road of success and accomplishment.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Catching Up

So I've been really bad about keeping up with posting. I think that maybe my goal of posting once a day was a bit of ambitious. I think that maybe once or twice a week might be a bit more do-able. So I'm going to try to catch you up on what's happened since my last post in regards to 5k training, general fitness, and my walk.

I'm going to wrap up my 3rd week of training tomorrow morning. I lost a week with our family vacation to San Antonio. I was hoping to get my two runs in while we were on vacation, however that didn't happen for a couple of reasons. One, we were up way too late to be able to get up at 5am to go for a run. Secondly, the housing development that our rental house was in lived up to the title of 'The Hill Country". I really think if I tried to run in that neighborhood I would have had a heart attack, stroke, or broken a bone of some sort. So I elected to sleep in late, it was my vacation, and will just have to make up the week somewhere else. Unfortunately, I just found out today that the race I was planning on running in as my first 5k was cancelled. So I've been told there will still be a "bandit run" on the same day but the official race was cancelled. So that's kind of a bummer, but I'm still training as normal and maybe I'll find some other official races to run in around the same time. I'm really excited just about the opportunity of getting out there and continuing to grow as a runner. It is starting to get better. I still have aches and pains out on the road, but I'm starting to enjoy those pains because to me it means that somethings growing or changing. I'm still waiting for the day that my physical endurance outlasts my cardio endurance, but that too will come in time. I'm enjoying the concept of being a 'runner', it gives me a bit of pride in myself and the accomplishment that being a runner means to me personally. I recently read an article on someone's blog about how a 5k is just a warm up run for real runners and isn't anything to brag about. I really enjoyed my run the next morning because the jack-waggon's article just fueled me and made me want to run all the more. For me a 5k will be a huge accomplishment for me when I get there.

Project 280 has been a roller-coaster the past two weeks. I had gotten down to 374, being a 25 lbs weight loss and I was on cloud nine. The next two weeks brought on weight gain of 9lbs taking me back to 383. I was so mad with myself for slipping up with a few fast food meals, and letting myself fall off the wagon. This week however was a good week. Yesterday when I weighed in it was 376, dropping back down to two pounds away from where I was and 6 lbs away from my 3 month goal of 370, giving me a week and a half to get down to my goal. I continue to find a sense of accomplishment in eating healthier and working out. I'm awarded by the weight loss, but just the feelings that I get when I wake up every morning knowing that I'm doing something for myself, my wife, and my future children so that I can be around for a long time and set a better example for my children (when they get here) so that they don't have to struggle with the same things that I have. I feel stronger, leaner, and just overall more fit. I don't feel the embarrassment that I once felt when I walked into the gym. I now walk in and feel proud that I'm there and as if to say to everyone there, 'yeah I'm not ripped, but just wait and I'll be there soon'.

My walk has been a bit more of a crawl the past couple weeks. Just as I haven't been making time to blog, I also haven't made time to spend in the word, and I've noticed it. I just haven't felt like my attitude has been the same and really haven't felt as close to God as I want. I have told myself that I've just got to do it. One thing that I've learned recently is that beating myself up over my mistakes doesn't help me avoid mistakes in the future. So, I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to do things different in the future starting tomorrow. I'm going to start reading through Hebrews starting tomorrow, so if you want to join me I'll be spending a week on each chapter and will try to post about my readings on a regular basis.

I'd just like to say to all of you who read my blog and follow me on twitter and Facebook I really appreciate all the support and encouragement you give me, it really means a lot to me.

My personal run for freedom

Ok, so I told you that I would post about Ultimate 5k 2.1 and here it is. July 4th was a busy day for us as we had a good bit of errands and 'honey-dos' to get done as well as prepare a few dishes for the cookout later that afternoon. I decided that it would be a good idea to go ahead and get my run in 'early', and on the 3rd day of a 3 day weekend early came about 7am. So I got up strapped on my tune, laced up my shoes, and grabbed Addison (my trusty, 4-legged trainer) and headed out the door. Usually I run on the streets of our neighborhood and that gets the job done fine, today I decided 'it's not too hot, the sun's up I'm going to run around the pond/lake at our neighborhood 'it'll be a nice change of pace'. So I started out doing my thing and the first couple times around the pond no problem. As I was turning to make my 3rd lap around I came up behind a couple walking with their baby in a stroller. 'No big deal' I tell myself, I'll just go around them so as I start to make my way around them on the left side the woman stops and swings her stroller to the left. I have to stop and nearly run over Addison and tweak my ankle a little bit to keep from form tackling this woman and her baby. I stop myself and Addison and at this point no one needs to go to the ER. As I attempt to pass them on the right side of the side walk the man decides this would be the appropriate time to adjust the tightness of his shoe laces, so he stoops down to make the modification to his laces. Once again I throw on the breaks and stop myself. Now I'm not kidding anyone, I'm no Hussein Bolt, but when you get a freight train rolling at 2 mph you still can't stop it on a dime. So I avoid the couple and stroller booby trap. I make my way around the pond on my 3rd lap and as I'm on my final back stretch I notice a woman who appears to be in her late 50s early 60s, probably 120lbs soaking wet, walking a Newfoundland Hound that easily outweighs her in triples. It's warm outside and the small horse is no doubt hot, so what does this 'responsible' pet owner do, she walks down to the edge of the water and lets him get in the water. Awesome, we do this all the time with Addison, the difference here is that we keep Addison ON THE LEASH!! I see this massive whale of a dog in the water on the other side of the pond thinking to myself 'ah, no big deal he's all the way over there'. I learned a new lesson that day; small horses can swim really fast. That beast was over to our side of the pond in no time and was attempting to have his way with my little 35 pound wheaten. At this point I pull my earbuds out and hear this brittle old woman yelling 'come back sweet pea, come back' in about the most calm and soft voice you could think of; imagine your great grandmother reading you a bed time story, voice. I have two thoughts in the moment, punch the dog in the nose and send him scurrying off; which I wanted to do but his owner was in view and I didn't want to deal with that. So I enlisted our second option, RUN!! Addison and I took off in a dead sprint, which is great fun at the end of a workout, and we hauled it. Someone else came over and grabbed the mammoth of a dog and stopped him from his lustful pursuit of Addison. As I got near the woman she said 'I hope you and your dog are ok' to which I politely replied, 'yes man we are fine, but you know our neighborhood and the city of Denton have leash laws', 'oh yes son I know, and he has a leash on'. I didn't have the heart to tell her that a leash is only effective if there is some form of resistance on the other end of the leash. So we made our way back to the house where we both crashed for a few minutes before I got back up and began the rest of my to do list. I didn't anticipate all the antics of the morning but all in all it was a good run, it was a tough one being that it was my first back after 3 days off. I did however, feel like my legs are getting stronger and my cardio endurance is increasing. Maybe with this obstacle run I'll be ready for the spartan run my cousin Todd is doing in the fall.

'Never give up, never surrender'

Drew

Catching up

Ok so I was supposed to post a blog from last Wednesday's run and haven't gotten around to it yet so this will be my blog for last Wednesday and in the morning will catch up for today's missed post.

I love getting up at 5 in the morning and running into the sunrise. There's something invigorating about being out and doing when the day breaks. It's as if God himself is greeting you and saying 'well hello, look what all I have for you to see'. I can only think of a few other scenarios that would be more blissfully amazing than a sunrise run.

Now don't get me wrong yet the running part is still not great fun in terms of I still hey cramps and my legs get tired. And I'm not running down the PCH; it's just around the block or the pond in my neighborhood. But, here's the thing I've been learning: life isn't about wanting what you don't have, it's about finding the joy in what you do have. What I have is a beautiful neighborhood that God has blessed me with. I have an amazing dog to run with me that has also been a gift from God. I've also had the pleasure of getting to know a few more of my neighbors while out on my runs. But most importantly, I've had the joy of learning that God creates beauty in all of the nooks and crannies of life that we don't expect and they're just hiding out waiting for us to find them. Seeing the sunrise, in my mind, is like seeing God awaken His creation, myself included, for another day of worship. You can't help but be motivated and excited about the day when you see it start with the sunrise.

I look forward to many sunrise runs to come and the motivation that it continues to bring me.

This run concludes my first week of training. Ultimate 5k week 2 starts Monday.

Ultimate 5k 1.2

So this is the start of my first full week of training. I'm really excited about the benefit that starting my life as a runner will give me, but with every new thing there's a bit of trepidation. I'm really afraid that in a couple weeks I'll start loathing my workouts and won't want to get up. So right now I'm just trying to start making the habit of getting up every morning at 5am even on the days that I don't have a run scheduled. The program I'm doing right now has me doing three runs a week, with a break in between each one increasing in length and interval.

I'm super excited about the possibility of accomplishing something that I would have never, in a million years, thought I would've been able to; run a 5k. Forever I was 'the fat kid, and then the fat guy'. It's an identity that I took on and believed I would be for the rest of my life. I just believed that I would always be the fat guy who would just make jokes about my weight and try to make everyone else around me laugh and be light-hearted. What I came to realize in the past couple years is that I didn't like the person I was, I always wanted to be something or someone different. Much of the angst, bitterness, and negativity I've exhibited in my life to the people I rub elbows with was the inner-conflict within myself over who I am and who I wanted to be. But for the longest time I just blamed others for me not making the conscious decision to making a change.

April was my tipping point. For as long as we've been together Sarah and I have been telling one another "we need to be healthier" and done little things here or there but never really made a serious commitment or change in our lives. But, now we have and I really feel like I have this new found motivation, and it's lasted longer than I thought it would ever have. So I really feel like I can do this. I know I sound like a broken record in constantly saying "I really feel like I can do or accomplish this", but I keep saying it because I feel something different within me than I ever have before and thats the difference.

I'll close with this: we were at Valley Creek Church in FloMo this week, and the pastor there was speaking on Christ's restoration of Peter after his rejection of Christ and he made the point that in life sometimes God has to bring up our failures, even if it may mean us getting hurt in the now, to heal us for the future. That's where I feel with my life right now, I've been trying to hide a bunch of things about me and in my life, hoping that others wont know or see them. All that's done is caused me to be a bitter, negative person. So now making my hurts open to God and exploring my path to allowing God to heal me.

Honesty and Openness

Drew

First 5k training

Ok, so as pretty much everyone that knows me, knows I'm not a runner. However, for the longest time I've wanted to run a 5k. I think in my mind it's the accomplishment of something that I've never done before, and something I can't accomplish easy; it's a challenge for me. I've noticed in my life, with the help of my loving wife, I don't always challenge myself; a real challenge. I'll do things that to others would be challenging but are easily or with little effort accomplished for me. So I've talked about running a 5k for almost a year now, and have had reason after reason not to. One of the biggest concerns is my weight, there is always the concern of joint fatigue and injury when you're talking about a guy almost 400 pounds running 3.1 miles or training to do so. So my concern is being alleviated by the fact that in the past 7 weeks I've lost 19 pounds, and I'm down to 381. I've been on a pace of loosing, on average, 3 pounds a week. I'm going to start working with my trainer to do some specific workouts that will help strengthen my knees and legs to help avoid injury as I train for this race.

So the race itself. The race is September 24th and is being sponsored by my employer, Denton County MHMR in support of national suicide awareness month. It's being held at South Lakes Park and more details will come as they are made available. I think the reason I finally decided to get off the couch and do this is that in the past couple months, is because I've realized a couple things about myself; one, I'm not the person God desires for me to be and two, if I don't make real and practical changes to my life I'm not going to be alive for much longer. It's a sobering and depressing realization to admit that I was almost 400 lbs, that's almost a quarter of a ton; that's like a cold towel eh? But here's what I've realized, with the right guidance, motivation and heart there isn't anything about me that I can't change with God's help. Because believe me there are days when the last thing I want to do is go to the gym and work out, and I know there will be mornings when the last thing I want to do is go for a run. But, from somewhere not inside me I find the motivation to do those things because for me to become the person I, and everyone else I touch lives with needs me, need to become those are the things that have to be done.

I can tell you that right now as I type this blog I'm almost in tears. Not because I'm so tired I can't feel my body or because I injured myself the first day. I'm almost in tears because this past 7 weeks has been the greatest evidence to me that God really does love me and cares about me. I know it may be weird to think that me starting a lifestyle of healthy living and losing weight is evidence of God's love for me, but it is. It is because for the longest time I didn't believe I could change that about myself, I didn't believe that I could be a healthy person and I blamed God. I blamed God for 'making me this way' or 'not giving me the same motivation to succeed in this area of my life as others'. But what I'm now getting to realize is that God didn't make me this way, I did with my choices, and I've always had the motivation inside me to do this, I just had to let him help me get out of my own way with excuses. I don't know if that makes any sense but the way I see is that I've been angry about a lot of things in my life and the way they've gone down. I've blamed God but I haven't turned my back on him, because others would see that more easily. No, what I did was turn off my eyes and ears to God, who for the past two years (the length of my pronounced bitterness at the world) has been standing there going 'man I'm waiting for you, I'm not going anywhere, you can be as mad at me as you want to and my love for you isn't changing. It'll be right here, I'll be right here waiting for you to open your eyes and see how infinitely greater my love for you is than any expectation you had of me that let you down'. Over the last 2 months with the help of my wife, my amazing friends who I love more than I'll ever tell you (because that could be awkward) I've been opening up my eyes and man does it feel good.

I never realized that a blog on my first run could be so deep but oh well here are my results:

Calories Burned: 254.95

Duration: 16:00 minutes

Distance: 1.05 miles

Average Speed: 4.5 mph

Average Pace: 8.3 min/mi

Love you all

Drew

"you have to open your eyes to see the road, otherwise driving is scary"

6/21/11 workout

I was getting so deep and thoughtful in my last post I almost forgot to post my work out and dinner for today. Tuesdays are a little different than other days because Sarah work urgent care from 5-8p so I'll go get a workout in by myself and then she and I will go play racquetball for an hour or so when she gets home. So today was day two of four in my rotation which is legs and shoulders:

Ball squats 3 sets of 15 reps
Leg extensions 3 sets of 15 reps
Leg curls 3 sets of 15 reps
Seated hamstring lifts 3 sets 15 reps
Scissors 3 of 15
Lateral raises 3 of 15
Shoulder press 3 of 15
Front raises 3 of 15
20 mins of cardio on the elliptical
Then an hour or so of racquetball with Sarah later tonight.

I wanted to get in some core and abs but had to get home to fix our fence with out neighbors.

Dinner was nothing special just a turkey sandwhich and triscuits.

One of Many Hurdles

Today has been a whip. I was on call last night and got a call at 2am just before the massive hail storms rolled through the area. I was at the hospital for 4 hours and didn't get back home until 6:30am; just enough time to turn around and head back to work. We did have a part of our fence that got knocked down, luckily it was just one post that we had to replace and the rest of the fence was ok. Luckily my boss let me off around 1 this afternoon so I was able to get a nap before the gym and fence mending.

The one thing I have noticed about the enemy is that he like to attack when I'm tired or lonely, I obviously think that's because those are the times I'm most vulnerable. For those of you that don't know there was a time in my life, before I got married, I struggled mightily with an addiction to pornography and that's where he most likes to attack me. Reminding me of my struggles and the temporary pleasure that pornography brought to me, he tries to lure me back to that dark place in my life. For so long I gave in and there really is no more shameful a struggle, over time I developed a hatred for myself. In my eyes I had nothing to fight for, when I met Sarah I now had something to fight for. I knew from the minute I met her that she would eventually be my wife so now I had something, someone, to fight for. Addiction is addiction regardless of the object of your addiction, you're never cured from it, you just live in a perpetual journey of recovery. Just like an alcoholic who can't walk down a liquor store, recovery pornography addicts have to work very hard to avoid the things that trigger the sexual temptation that our society's basis for all communication. Solution, go live in a monastery, not realistic I'm too social of a person and don't like robes. So what do I do? Man I stay covered in prayer and constantly through out the day ask God to keep my mind on righteous things. It usually works, but here lately the enemy has been tempting me hard. Not so much visually, but in 'helping' me remember things that I've seen in the past and it has been so hard not to give in. I have spent time reading on the tailgate of my truck in the garage because I didn't want to be alone in the house with my computer. Man, this temptation bites. It's very real, unrelenting, and at times seems unescapable. The thing that really makes lust such a hard temptation to overcome is there are so many ways to get tripped up; your eyes, your thoughts, and physical. Christ says in the bible in Matthew 5:28 that if you look lustfully upon a woman you've committed adultery in your heart. What? Are you kidding me? I've struggled with that for so long.

Don't get too down, there is light at the end of this tunnel. I've got two things that I've been clinging to in this battle. Recently I've been going back and listening to podcasts of old teachings from Matt Chandler, specifically his study on the book of Habakuk whom I identify with on so many levels. The thing I took away most was this concept that so often I neglect the fact that God is ALWAYS with me, and is ALWAYS working in, through and around me, even when I can't see it. He talked about Psalm 139 where David admits that there is no where he can do and be away from the presence of God, and he is willing to bestow on our lives the same power he used to raise Christ from the dead. That impacted me in a powerful way. I have always had this concept that this is a fight for me to fight alone, even my closest of friends may have heard me mention this struggle, but never to reach out and say 'I'm struggling and I need you to pull me along'. But even more than that I forgot that God was with me. I didn't forget that he was with me in the sense that I was no longer a child of his, more so I forgot just who He is, and how powerful He is, and how much He loves me. God is my heavenly father who loves me far beyond any fleeting thought of love my earthly father could muster for me. The second thing dovetails in perfectly with the first. This Sunday we were at Crosstimbers Community Church on Father's day and Toby was speaking about the wounded concept we have of God because of the woundedness we have experienced in our relationships with our fathers. I have always had this concept of God that he has a list of all my sins and failures and is just waiting for the right time to get me back. He talked about this idea that we live our lives in fear of God's punishment because we probably lived our childhood in fear of our earthly father's punishment. But the comforting thing is God is not like our earthly father, he is quick to forget our sins, slow to anger, and does not take our failures personally. Hearing those words coupled with the realization of God's power, sovereignty, and love gives me a freedom to walk in a completely different relationship with God, one where I walls aren't needed because there's no fear of punitive retribution. Does God chastise those that He loves? Absolutely, but that's molding me into the person he desires me to be, not 'getting me back' for things I did weeks, months and years ago.

So now my goal is to walk in the freedom that those two truths have for me, and even though I know I will struggle with this until the day I die, I feel a strength in the freedom of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

On a side note two books that have been very helpful to me in my battle with lust and pornography are:

Every Man's Battle by Fred Stoeker and Steve Arterburn and The Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn

6/20/11 workout

Tonight's workout:

Lat pull downs 3 sets @ 15 reps
Lateral rows 3 sets @ 15 reps
Raised rows 3 sets @ 15 reps
Cable curls 3 sets @ 15 reps
Hammer curls 3 sets @ 15 reps
30 minutes of cardio on elliptical

Dang I'm pooped!

6/20/11 dinner

Tonights dinner on the stove.


The finished product! Can't wait to taste it!


So tonight's dinner was a pan seared chicken with asparagus and radishes.

The chicken marinated in Worcestershire sauce, coarse mustard, brown sugar, salt, pepper, garlic, rosemary, and chili.

The vegetables sautéed in pepper, garlic, and unsalted ms.dash.

Accompanying beverage: Lipton diet citrus green tea.

Total calories: 320
Total protein: 42g
Total carbs: 6.1

So I've said so many times that I'm going to seriously blog about something and I never did. Well I can't guarantee that this is going to be any different; you'll just have to wait and see the results. But here's my goal. Sarah and I back the end of April decided that enough was enough and we had to take back control of our physical health, so we joined LA Fitness and got personal trainers, the whole works. Since then we've been trying to eat better, obviously exercise more often and focused, and we've both seen results. My goal for this blog is to share with you my personal transformation physically, mentally, spiritually, and relationally. I'll post things about workouts to new dishes we try, to my own growth and struggles in my walk with Christ as well as things I learn about my relationships with others. My goal is not for you to look at me and be impressed because honestly that would happen. My goal is that maybe you too might be inspired, or be able to take something away from what I've learned and apply to your journey. Definately not an expert here, just a fellow struggler through the journey of life. So I'm really excited about this, and hopefully you all can keep me accountable in this journey too.