The one thing I have noticed about the enemy is that he like to attack when I'm tired or lonely, I obviously think that's because those are the times I'm most vulnerable. For those of you that don't know there was a time in my life, before I got married, I struggled mightily with an addiction to pornography and that's where he most likes to attack me. Reminding me of my struggles and the temporary pleasure that pornography brought to me, he tries to lure me back to that dark place in my life. For so long I gave in and there really is no more shameful a struggle, over time I developed a hatred for myself. In my eyes I had nothing to fight for, when I met Sarah I now had something to fight for. I knew from the minute I met her that she would eventually be my wife so now I had something, someone, to fight for. Addiction is addiction regardless of the object of your addiction, you're never cured from it, you just live in a perpetual journey of recovery. Just like an alcoholic who can't walk down a liquor store, recovery pornography addicts have to work very hard to avoid the things that trigger the sexual temptation that our society's basis for all communication. Solution, go live in a monastery, not realistic I'm too social of a person and don't like robes. So what do I do? Man I stay covered in prayer and constantly through out the day ask God to keep my mind on righteous things. It usually works, but here lately the enemy has been tempting me hard. Not so much visually, but in 'helping' me remember things that I've seen in the past and it has been so hard not to give in. I have spent time reading on the tailgate of my truck in the garage because I didn't want to be alone in the house with my computer. Man, this temptation bites. It's very real, unrelenting, and at times seems unescapable. The thing that really makes lust such a hard temptation to overcome is there are so many ways to get tripped up; your eyes, your thoughts, and physical. Christ says in the bible in Matthew 5:28 that if you look lustfully upon a woman you've committed adultery in your heart. What? Are you kidding me? I've struggled with that for so long.
Don't get too down, there is light at the end of this tunnel. I've got two things that I've been clinging to in this battle. Recently I've been going back and listening to podcasts of old teachings from Matt Chandler, specifically his study on the book of Habakuk whom I identify with on so many levels. The thing I took away most was this concept that so often I neglect the fact that God is ALWAYS with me, and is ALWAYS working in, through and around me, even when I can't see it. He talked about Psalm 139 where David admits that there is no where he can do and be away from the presence of God, and he is willing to bestow on our lives the same power he used to raise Christ from the dead. That impacted me in a powerful way. I have always had this concept that this is a fight for me to fight alone, even my closest of friends may have heard me mention this struggle, but never to reach out and say 'I'm struggling and I need you to pull me along'. But even more than that I forgot that God was with me. I didn't forget that he was with me in the sense that I was no longer a child of his, more so I forgot just who He is, and how powerful He is, and how much He loves me. God is my heavenly father who loves me far beyond any fleeting thought of love my earthly father could muster for me. The second thing dovetails in perfectly with the first. This Sunday we were at Crosstimbers Community Church on Father's day and Toby was speaking about the wounded concept we have of God because of the woundedness we have experienced in our relationships with our fathers. I have always had this concept of God that he has a list of all my sins and failures and is just waiting for the right time to get me back. He talked about this idea that we live our lives in fear of God's punishment because we probably lived our childhood in fear of our earthly father's punishment. But the comforting thing is God is not like our earthly father, he is quick to forget our sins, slow to anger, and does not take our failures personally. Hearing those words coupled with the realization of God's power, sovereignty, and love gives me a freedom to walk in a completely different relationship with God, one where I walls aren't needed because there's no fear of punitive retribution. Does God chastise those that He loves? Absolutely, but that's molding me into the person he desires me to be, not 'getting me back' for things I did weeks, months and years ago.
So now my goal is to walk in the freedom that those two truths have for me, and even though I know I will struggle with this until the day I die, I feel a strength in the freedom of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
On a side note two books that have been very helpful to me in my battle with lust and pornography are:
Every Man's Battle by Fred Stoeker and Steve Arterburn and The Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn
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